What inspired me to write a list of the things that I like about being estranged is that I woke up yesterday thinking about some stranger’s belief that my taking down estrangements.com would make it more likely that my daughter would reconcile with me. Along with thinking about how clueless that stranger was, I was thinking that the only good thing that had come out of being estranged was estrangements.com. Then I realized immediately that that was not true. That I had had so much more peace in my life since being estranged and hadn’t had a migraine headache since the time that my mother visited. I hadn’t had a migraine headache before that since my daughter had visited. Then I made the list of what I like about being estranged.

I don’t know if former acquaintances and in-laws visit this blog and
read these posts. I know that my daughter links to the site so that if
they visit her site, they have access to mine. I’ve wondered what they
think and feel when they read something like 19 reasons I am happy to
be estranged. To tell you the truth, I can imagine but don’t have any
idea of the reality of what they are thinking because I don’t know so
much about them and their relationship with my daughter or their
understanding of estrangements in the intervening years or their
relationships in their own families. My daughter states that they would
walk through glass for their kids. Yes, I am sure that they would. As
would I have for my kid before this estrangement began.

(An aside: Not only would I have walked through glass, I would have
put my life on the line for my daughter. As far as walking through
glass, in a metaphorical way, I did the equivalent of walking through
broken glass but I won’t go into why I say that.)

Back when I knew my ex’s family, we all were on good terms as far as
I knew. When I left my ex, I didn’t see any of them again till my
daughter’s wedding and haven’t seen any of them since.

My ex was from a traditional Italian family. His parents, now
deceased, were born in America to Italian immigrants. The parents had
relatives in Italy and would send presents over there. I remember this
huge black slip that they were going to send. It could have fit two or
three smaller women in it. "She is a big beautiful woman!" they said.
Cool!

The parents tried very hard to keep family together when their kids
were grown. Everyone was expected to come to their house for dinner on
every holiday and also were expected to see as many of their aunts and
uncles and cousins as possible while they were visiting.

My mother-in-law was one of 9 siblings. My father-in-law also was
one of 9 siblings. So there was a lot of visiting to do. Estrangement
wasn’t something that anyone talked about and was the opposite of what
they were trying to accomplish. Yet estrangement did exist. There was
one long estrangement between two of the sisters and there was an
underlying threat of what might happen if someone didn’t do what was
expected. Feelings could be hurt. Someone could get angry. They all
loved each other but there was this feeling that if you didn’t do
things a certain way, then that might be proof that you didn’t love
someone and then Lord knows what might happen?

Two of the sisters in my mother-in-law’s family were estranged for a
very long time. Many years. It has been a long time since I have
thought about this and my memory isn’t perfect. If I don’t have the
details exactly right, it isn’t due to anything but imperfect memory. I
think the estrangement was between my mother-in-law and one of her
sisters. The youngest one? My mother-in-law was the oldest one. If not
her and that sister, then it was between another sister and that
sister. I think the estrangement went on for 25 years. It began as an
argument over some small thing that wouldn’t make it understandable to
most people why two sisters wouldn’t talk to each other for 25 years. I
recall that you couldn’t even mention one sister to the other during
that estrangement. But they did reconcile. I can’t remember what
brought them to reconcile.

Being the oldest sister of nine siblings must have put a lot of
responsibility on my mother-in-law’s shoulders. I believe that she
expected people to listen to her and to respect her and to look up to
her.

My father-in-law was the quieter one. He didn’t talk a lot and if
the subject of something like sex came up, he talked even less and
looked shocked. The oddest thing I remember hearing about him was that
when he was a young man and his mother got mad at him, she threw a meat
cleaver at him. I can’t recall for sure if it hit him. I think that
maybe it did but that he wasn’t hurt badly. I’d tell more but since
there may be folk reading here who knew him, they might take certain
additional stories as being criticism and that wouldn’t be my
intention. So I won’t tell them.

I loved being part of this family for 18 years. And they were very
interesting. Very different from my Scandinavian relatives who tended
not to talk a lot and who weren’t physically demonstrative. In the
family of my in-laws, everyone hugged. Whether they wanted to or not,
they hugged! When anyone arrived, when anyone left. And they ate. You
ate and you had second and third helpings. The food was very good. I
learned a lot of what I know about cooking there. I can still make an
excellent meatball and gravy.

They hugged, ate, and ordered you around. This is not a criticism.
It is expressed with the joy of memory. You came in, you got hugged,
you got told to sit down, you got told to eat, you got told to eat some
more, you got told to wash the dishes. It was delightful! I love
remembering it. I loved them. I was sorry not to see them under those
circumstances any more. I loved seeing them at the wedding.

My sister-in-law is married to a businessperson who has worked hard
to succeed in life. They both worked together and have a beautiful home
and 3 kids who were only teenagers and young adults when I left my ex.
My ex’s brother is a graphic artist. He was the first born and was
highly regarded by his parents, so highly regarded that my ex felt
sometimes that they may have loved his brother more than him. My ex was
successful also at his own profession. I only know that to his parents
it was important that everyone see each other on holidays and that they
remain family as much as possible. Which wasn’t as much as his mother
would have liked but it is my understanding that they do keep in touch.

My ex’s brother went through a bitter divorce before I even gave
divorce serious thought. He and his wife had had a seemingly perfect
marriage. They have 3 children, all now adults, some (or all? I don’t
know) with kids of their own. Their mom was from an Irish family and
she had those beautiful Irish features of pale skin, dark hair, and
freckles. At least this is how I remember her. They lived in the
suburbs in a lovely house. Before they divorced, his wife shared with
me that they were arguing bitterly about some things. I’m not sure
what. She was involved in socially conscious sorts of activities. He
wanted her to be at home more and be more traditional. She was a very
strong minded person and felt strongly about things she believed in.

After they separated, a split which came as a huge shock to everyone
else, they remained separated for 8 years before they got a divorce. I
don’t know if they are on speaking terms now. It would surprise me if
they were but then things change. I think that they were estranged
after the divorce. Their split up was that kind that takes everyone by
surprise. As was the split up between me and my ex. I know that I never
would have talked about any problems in my marriage with my
mother-in-law so she never would have had a clue that anything was
wrong. As I said previously, I loved my in-laws and love my memories of
being part of their family but I can’t say that we were close.

Even though a family can try to be together on holidays and can hug
and visit, closeness isn’t always there if people can’t talk about some
things with each other. And that was the case in my ex’s family. We
didn’t and/or couldn’t talk about some things with each other. Nor was
talking about certain things encouraged. While the image was there of
some of us as being a happy family, we weren’t all happy all the time
and we weren’t all able to talk about these things. For one thing
talking about it would have lead possibly to arguments and then to
anger and then to … HORRORS! … maybe estrangement. Which is not
what anyone, especially my in-laws, wanted, even if there already was
an estrangement in the family.

It’s as though to risk being honest was to risk getting so angry
that someone might walk out. So you could order people to sit down and
wash the dishes and eat and hug and more but you couldn’t handle it if
someone had a serious disagreement or was honest about a serious
problem. Honest emotions were troublesome guests if they came to the
table.

There was a lot that got shoved under the rug. Which was a VERY
clean rug by the way. Because in the dining room which was used only
for holidays and special events there was a clear plastic runner over
the dining room rug and clear plastic over the couch and the chairs.
But this might be understandable when you realize that my mother-in-law
kept the house immaculate, that they lived through the Depression, that
they were careful with their money, and that they wanted their
possessions to last. But the memory of those clear plastic coverings
still brings a smile to my face.

I may mention another estrangement in my daughter’s family in a
future post. This post is long enough and what I know of that
estrangement adds nothing to the memory of my ex’s family of which i
was once a member. Although I do recall my ex’s brother saying at the
wedding something delightful like, "Once a sister-in-law, always a
sister-in-law," and he smiled. He was very kind to say that. Thank you,
R! Or someone thank him for me if he doesn’t read this.

Snicks