Robin has now cut and pasted and responded on her website to a whole host of points that she disagrees with that I have on Estrangements.com and from posts of mine that she found on an online discussion board. While she said at one point within the last week that she had thrown all emails from me away back in 1995, now she says that she has things that I wrote to her back then or shortly after. To her it seems important to say that she threw stuff that I wrote out and that she kept stuff I wrote. In the former the point seems to be that she threw it out and let it go long ago, unlike myself who is still talking about estrangement. In the latter the point seems to be that she kept it so that she could reread it and piss herself off all over again and prove to herself how much I am worthless.

It is as though we are communicating now by each writing on the
internet. She is responding on the internet as though if she does it
that way, she doesn’t have to concede that she is talking to me.

I wrote the blog on Estrangements.com and stand in back of every
word that I wrote. Which doesn’t mean that when I SPECULATE about the
reasons behind events that I am always right. When you don’t know what
is in someone else’s mind and you speculate, you are SPECULATING. Which
means that I can be right or wrong, I am talking out loud in type on
the internet as ideas come to me. Not everything that I ask myself or
the world or that I wonder about is necessarily what is happening.

For someone who says that she doesn’t care about me, my daughter is expending an awful lot of energy on what I’ve written.

I have learned that my ex and her husband both wanted her to
reconcile with me. I appreciate that. I didn’t know that. She writes
that now her husband is angry at me too. I haven’t looked at everything
I’ve written since I put this website up but I am sure that there are
things written there that would piss off just about everyone involved,
especially where I speculate. So if I have pissed my son-in-law off, I
am sorry. I do thank him for ever trying to get her to change her mind
about me. I didn’t know she knew about any phone calls. I can’t recall
that there were many and I certainly didn’t talk to many relatives
about this. Many? Actually very very few and rarely and the most recent
would have been about 8 years ago.

I owe my ex a thank you too for trying to get her to reconcile. I
take back what I said about my ex and my son-in-law trying to influence
her against me. I did not know the truth and I do appreciate their
efforts. I will go through what I wrote later and put an addendum note
everywhere I find that I did that so that her assertion that they did
try to get her to reconcile is noted. (Note added Nov. 5: I did go and
look for these statements but didn’t find anything on
estrangements.com. Any reference by me to that must have been in the
discussion board where I had been a member since early 2004.)

I am willing to take a lie detector test to stand behind everything
that I have written that I have stated as fact. I won’t pay for the
test but if someone else wants to pay for the test, I will take it.

On her website she is going over things now about my divorce from
her father that happened 20 years ago. I will respond to this one
assertion of hers. That my ex-husband stopped speaking to me because I
had an affair. That is not why he stopped speaking to me. We had both
agreed when we separated that we would remain friends. We remained on
speaking terms, although we were not really friends, for about a year.
Then I got very angry at him because he did not give me two items of
mine that were of no monetary value but which were books that I had
treasured from my childhood. I wrote him the most angry letter I had
ever written to him and expressed my contempt for him. That is when he
stopped speaking to me. It was not due to the affair and I had good
reason to …. Never mind. It is easy to get baited into going over old
territory like the problems in our marriage and why I had an affair and
left him. I certainly didn’t have the affair in order to remain
married! I told her father about it and decided to leave him right when
it first happened. But then I didn’t leave immediately. I should have.
Our marriage continued for one and a half years after I told him that I
was going to leave. He begged me not to leave. It was all very painful.
We both went through a lot of pain. He was later very bitter.

I am not going to defend myself currently on any of the other
points. I could but I won’t. Why bother? I do think she’d do well to
see a therapist but she is too anti-therapy to go. I am writing this
post more for her and for anyone who knows her that might come here
than I am for whomever usually reads my blog and estrangement.com. So I
apologize to those of you who have not seen her website and have not
read what she is currently writing there. Suffice it to say that if you
use your imagination and know that she interprets everything in the
worst possible light and as though I should have known stuff that I
didn’t know, that you will get a good idea of it. Also, while she has a
fit if I mention something that happened 20 years ago that she did, she
is going over stuff from that same period that I did and criticizing me
with absolutely no idea of what was in my mind at the time.

The odd thing is that she thinks that I am having a monologue and
she apparently thinks that she is having a dialogue but with someone
other than me. In other words, she tells herself that she is not
talking to me.

She thinks that my giving my experience of this estrangement on
estrangements.com is a reflection on her personally. I guess she thinks
that I have set it up to make her look bad or to make others in the
family look bad. She thinks that if I share a story and don’t mention
something that she thinks I should have mentioned, that I have
deliberately left it out to make her look worse or me better. It
doesn’t occur to her that there might be another explanation that is
neither devious or negative. Or that I did write about it somewhere
else in the blog and she didn’t see it.

I am pretty sure that I did write in my blog (not in the Live
Journal section) a long time ago about my mother’s trying to blame
anything that might happen to me on my daughter in a letter that she
wrote to my daughter. I’ll look for it later. Oh God! Despite my
attempt not to respond to more points, I am going to address this point
that my daughter has on her website. She read in a post of mine on
Family Rifts that I had felt suicidal and she takes THAT as PROOF that
I WAS SUICIDAL and that I did tell someone and that telling someone is
DESTRUCTIVE. Of course the person that I told was a PSYCHIATRIST, not a
family member! I was not suicidal and I told a PROFESSIONAL. Feeling
suicidal is a SYMPTOM of clinical depresson, not a manipulation of
others. My mothers used threats of suicide to manipulate people. I
NEVER NEVER EVER DID THAT! Nor did I ever tell my mother that I felt
like that. I ONLY told my mother that I was taking medication for
depression. Robin wants to think the worst of me for that. She equates
my telling my mother that I took an antidepressant with my mother’s bad
behavior!

I have no regrets for having the website. She wouldn’t have
reconciled with me anyway. She does not care about me at all, not in
the least. She does care about whether someone who doesn’t even know
her thinks that she isn’t absolutely adorable in every way. She doesn’t
care about people who are in pain from estrangement, neither me nor
anyone else. All she thinks about is whether I say things of which she
approves. She doesn’t give two figs about the value of a website on
Estrangement to anyone.

I don’t write my blog to be right or wrong. I write my blog because
it is my experience which I share so that others who are interested in
estrangement too and who are coping with an estrangement can see how
this one person, me, perceives it. If others who I encountered in my
experience don’t agree with my experience of it, that is their right
since they only have their own experience of it. If we all got into the
same room and talked about it, I’ll bet we’d have as many different
perceptions of it as there were people in the room. I can’t speak for
them and they can’t speak for me. I speak of MY experience.

Well, there are other things in life than estrangement so I think it
would be a good idea if I went and did them rather than stay stuck at
this little computer all day.

Take care out there, whoever you are. Friend, foe, whatever,

Snicks