I visited my daughter, Robin’s website yesterday, as I do occasionally. It is my way of updating myself on her life if she has updated her website. She has used it as a means of putting news of her life out there, ostensibly for friends? or cousins? Or me? I don’t know why she puts the information on there but she does. Not often. Sometimes a year and a half goes by before she changes it. Usually she changes it when something significant happens like a death or the loss of a job or the start of a new job. She talks on it as though she is talking directly with someone but it is unclear who she is talking to. It sounds as though she is hopeful that her cousins visit the site. They are far flung, from Florida to California and elsewhere.

They are the people who she seems to look forward to seeing on
holidays at her father’s and stepmother’s house. She has referred to
that house on one occasion as her stepmother’s house, although it was
originally her father’s house and I am sure still is although perhaps
it is now in both his and his wife’s name. But I found that reference
to it in her stepmother’s name as odd as though she had been declaring
some sort of allegiance to her previously problematic stepmother.

(Note added on Nov. 5, 2005: I later learned that she refers to
the house in that way, not due to an allegiance but due to the way that
the house looks. I think this means that her stepmother decorates it in
her own unique way.)

This brings me to the Breaking News part. Yesterday I discovered a
long rant uploaded on October 17, 2005 by my daughter on her website
which revealed that she has estranged herself from both her stepmother
and her father. Her stepmother is a realtor. Robin is selling her house
and moving to another state with her husband. Robin decided not to use
her stepmother as the selling agent for her house. This resulted in a
heated argument which culminated in Robin deciding to become estranged
from her. Then Robin’s father entered the fray after initially trying
to stay neutral. That ended with Robin estranging herself from her
father.

Robin was so furious that she claimed a domain name that reads (with
the "insert name here being stepmother’s full name):
www.insertnamehereisabitch.com.

I guess I can consider myself fortunate that Robin never developed a site called: www.mymotherisabitch.com.

In her rant she goes back to her wedding day of 1991 and how her
father who was my ex and myself made the day all about us (her
perception) by not being on speaking terms. And somehow she perceived
me as acting as though I was not part of the wedding … despite the
fact that I was tied up all day behind the camera because she had asked
me to be the photographer! At her request!

(Note added Nov. 5: She differs with my account of this. She says
I offered to be the photographer. Our memories differ. No matter which
memory is correct, I didn’t photograph the wedding to be a bad mom.
Possibly both of our memories are somewhat correct.)

I can empathize with why she is angry with her stepmother and her
father as I think it is outrageous that they would insist that she use
her stepmother as her sales agent if she didn’t want to. Although I
don’t know their side of the situation and don’t know if they might
feel that due to other circumstances that it would have been
considerate to hire her stepmother. But I tend to think I’d be in
agreement with Robin even if I did know all the facts. (Note added on
Nov. 2: Since I wrote this post, I am thinking that I could be wrong on
this point. After subsequent events.)

Another thing that I learned from Robin’s rant is that she and her
husband are buying a $624,000 house! This blows my mind! This from the
person who sent me a tin of cookies for Christmas in the year prior to
her estranging herself from me because they were short of money! This
from the person who resented my asking her to remember my birthday! Her
financial condition now must be great!

(Note added Nov. 5: My observations on the cookies and her
finances were not meant as criticisms. I was expressing my
astonishment. She took it as a criticism when she read this. The typed
word has such limitations. It is easy to read in whatever we want to
read into it. I am impressed with how they’ve done. It’s great! I was
noting the contrast between then and now. It is mighty mindblowing! I
noted the birthday thing because her reaction to it will always stay
with me, not for some other reason. Her reaction was the catalyst for
subsequent communications in 1995 between us that culminated in this
estrangement. She interprets my having mentioned her resentment to my
request much differently.)

I am happy that she can afford (Wow! Can she really?) such an
expensive house. I am awestruck! I had no idea that they were doing so
well. She walks dogs for a living since last fall. Robert was a loan
officer for a nationally known tax preparation company. He does have a
new job. That is an expensive house by my standards. I have some
upscale friends who are pretty indulgent and they wouldn’t have bought
a house that expensive. The taxes are significant too. Over $4,000! I
am impressed!

It was a very educational rant that she put online. My overall
feeling is amusement along with some irony and a lot of surprise. I am
amused because in 1995 she chose working on a relationship with her
feelings-constipated father rather than have any relationship with me
and now she has decided that working on a relationship with him is
futile. She has decided to protect herself from him and her stepmother.
There is irony that she made that choice in 1995 with full knowledge on
her part that she had had a history with him of failed promises and
lack of closeness. I am surprised because … she stuck it out for the
last ten years with a relationship with them and why? It seemed that
she would always choose him no matter what he did, no matter how
critical or distant he was.

What this means for the future? I don’t know. I guess it is a
positive step as far as its increasing the chances that I might hear
from her again. In the short run I don’t think it changes anything
about her estrangement from me but maybe this break will be a positive
one in that she never did hold her father responsible for much of what
he did and she never was willing to confront him on anything. So maybe
she needs to do this before she can contemplate repairing our
relationship. As long as she was "hostage" to her father, she may never
have been able to see herself in a relationship with me, a relationship
of which her father would disapprove.

In her rant I am struck by her perceptions, as shown in her
description of her wedding day back in 1991, that the day was not all
about her but about "us" because her father would not talk to me. As
though we hogged the attention which is so far from the truth. But that
is her perception. Interesting. Why? The day was truly about her and
Robert and their wedding. The fact that her father and I were estranged
was just a fact of life, something that Tony refused to do anything
about and something over which I had no control. I did the best that I
could that day. I was the photographer. I was friendly with everyone
although didn’t try with my ex as that would have been useless. I
wasn’t able to play "mother of the bride" much under those
circumstances of being responsible for the photography. I am sure my ex
did the best he could under the circumstances.

(Note added Nov. 5, 2005: I never saw him do anything that I
could describe as hogging attention. I know that I didn’t do anything
that could be described that way either.)

I ponied up willingly my half of the cost. I am not even a wedding
type person! My first wedding was not a big wedding and was one that I
did more to appease others than to make myself happy. My second wedding
was a $10 trip to a justice of the peace! I don’t believe in fancy
weddings. But I didn’t attempt to impose my own beliefs on Robin. Yet
she faults me for not being the kind of mom who gives special wedding
parties and who helped her plan the wedding. I lived 350 miles away and
she told me repeatedly that she had everything planned and under
control herself. Yet she resents to this day, 14 years later, that I
was not her idea of a "normal" mother because I didn’t do the whole big
pre-wedding and wedding stuff. Does she have any idea just how clueless
I am about weddings or even how socially incompetent I am at giving
parties? I guess not.

Her lasting resentment on this point of her wedding day is
surprising, shocking, and sad. She did have a lovely day. It is sad
that she remembers it with such resentment. Her father and I were only
two of many people there and I am sure that he was friendly with many
people that day. There were no scenes, no unpleasant arguments or
hostile interactions. We were all on our best behavior other than Tony
refusing to talk to me which had already gone on at the point fo 6
years. I am struck by her perception that our estrangement made the day
all about us as though a 6 ton elephant had been invited to the party
and had sat in everyone’s laps! Apparently she was very sensitive to
our estrangement, more so than I knew. I too had wished that we were on
speaking terms. Another odd thing was that she blamed me for it even
though it was her father’s decision to estrange himself.

I think what bugs her so much about her wedding day is that she
wanted a perfect day that met all of her fantasies of it and she will
never be able to remember her wedding as perfect because her father and
I were not on good terms. The truth is that weddings, like everything
else are never perfect and if it hadn’t been the situation between her
father & I, it would have been another imperfection that would
endlessly bug her. It is seeing the glass as always half empty. How can
someone be happy if they can’t accept that shit happens and sometimes
people don’t feel or act as you want them to? Expecting everyone to
feel according to your expectations and your schedule is just
unrealistic. If a marriage is a happy one, why not celebrate what the
day meant and that it was the beginning of a great relationship? Why 14
years later continue to express resentment because two people there
were no longer friends? We weren’t friends but we were all doing what
she wanted us to do with the exception of his refusal to speak with me
or to me.

While she despised the estrangement between her father and me, she
has done exactly the sort of thing that she had despised. She has
estranged herself from me, my mother, her father and her stepmother.
She had blamed me for the estrangement with her father as though I had
had a choice in the matter of her father’s not talking to me and its
having been a problem for her state of mind at her wedding. Now she
seems to have developed some understanding that estrangements are
sometimes necessary although she still thinks that our not talking at
the wedding was due to our childishness. I would have been happy to be
able to speak with my ex-husband.

(Note: On Nov. 5, 2005 I edited this paragraph above. I didn’t
realize that my daughter would read it and I wrote it off the cuff.
This paragraph about estrangements was confusing even to me when I
reread it. I have rewritten it for the public’s understanding of what I
was trying to say. I have learned since I wrote it that now she says
that she blamed both her father and myself equally for the estrangement
between him and I. I don’t understand even having half the blame put on
me since the estrangement with him was never my decision and I would
have been much happier to have been on speaking terms at the wedding
and prior to the wedding and after the wedding.)

Other things I learned in her rant: that her stepmother has
diabetes; that Robin’s mother-in-law is dying; that Robert has a new
job; that they are moving to another state. I learned that they think
of Robert’s mother as the only one who "truly loves and cares for us".
That is truly truly sad and not true. I love Robin. I don’t love her as
much as I once did which I would describe as adoration. I no longer
adore her. But I love her. I can’t help but love her. Sometimes I think
this is unfortunate. I think as a mom I am wired to love my daughter no
matter what.

My overall feeling over her new estrangements is amusement. It is
hard to feel sympathetic under my circumstances. It was her choice to
ally herself with her father and stepmother. It is impossible for me to
feel badly for how the situation is deteriorating between them all
although my old self would have been dismayed.

I never would have expected that things would turn out this way with
Robin becoming estranged from everyone. She is 39 now. I don’t see her
as the helpless teenager who needed me as an emotional support as I
once saw her. I don’t see her now as needing my assistance. She is an
adult and has certainly proved that she is capable of taking care of
herself and is as capable of doling out hurt as much as anyone I’ve
ever met. So I confess that my main feeling is amusement, not
compassion, even though I can empathize with why she is angry.

More on this later when I have more time.

Ginny