I hope that visitors here have looked at the articles on forgiveness at the links in the previous posts. Even if you don’t think of youself as the one who feels a need to understand forgiveness, these articles have something to offer. I got a lot out of reading them.

My daughter has gone to the extent of calling me a fraud and a liar because in my journal/blog begun on Estrangements.com I have said that I don’t understand why we are estranged. I had felt mystified. She is convinced that I had full understanding of why we are estranged.

In the recent argument with me in response to the Listening post on
LiveJournal, she began to list things that happened in 1995 and 1996 as
being the reasons why we are estranged. This is in addition to the
reason she gave in email sent to me last fall. That reason given in the
email was that she did not like me, love me or find me appealing.

Now I no longer would say that I don’t know why we are estranged.
However, I am surprised and saddened that these are the reasons that
she gives for having estranged herself from me. I had thought that
there must be something else, something more meaningful, something that
could make sense to me. However, her lack of love makes perfect sense
of all the rest. Why would anyone go to any trouble for someone whom
they did not love?

Everyone makes their own decisions. Different things that people do
bother another person in different degrees. Some people let everything
roll off their back. Others are insulted if their father refuses to buy
a house in their own neighborhood. I know someone who said he stopped
talking to his father over that. Some people are very prickly. Some are
like the princess in the story of the Princess and the Pea.

I was mystified as to why we were estranged because I didn’t think
that the things that had happened between us were serious enough to
make a decision like that. They seemed too petty to estrange someone
whom you love. There were other options, even if she was furious at me.
Even if I couldn’t and can’t understand where the fury was coming from,
there were other options. Relationships between people who love each
other are worth some effort. But if someone doesn’t love me, then it
makes more sense that she wouldn’t and won’t put in any effort.

Now she is estranged from her stepmother whom I have never been
introduced to and don’t know. And she is almost estranged from her
father whom I did know and was married to for 18 years. I didn’t want
to be married to him any more but I never thought that he would be
estranged from our daughter. I would love to hear his side and his
wife’s side of the story. I have read my daughter’s side online.

Going back to thoughts on forgiveness, the concept of forgiveness is
an important one. It relates not just to the obvious of one person
forgiving another for a hurtful action. It extends also to forgiving
those who can’t forgive. It extends to forgiving ourselves for making
mistakes, for not being perfect, for not being all knowing. I think
Mandela made a good point when he said that "Resentment is like taking
poison in the hope of killing your enemies."

My husband and I sometimes talk about the act of forgiving when
we’re watching a TV documentary where someone forgives the perpetrator
of a terrible crime against them. My husband is always appalled at the
idea of forgiving a murderer, a violent criminal, a rapist. I am less
appalled and understand the concept although don’t know if I could do
it if I were in the same position as the victim. I have thought many
times that I would like to throw the switch when the time came to put
certain criminals to death.

Of the two of us, my husband is the one who tends to be more
forgiving in his actions towards others if not in words. I am the one
who tends to hold a grudge although I am not a particularly judgmental
person. It takes something serious to get me riled so much that I
really want to cut someone off.

I have thought many times about forgiving my ex-husband for a number
of things. It has been really hard to bring myself to forgive him in my
heart. There have been many consequences from things he did and didn’t
do. I have been very angry at him for a long long time. I was married
to him for 18 years and after leaving him realized how much I didn’t
know him. It surprises me that I was in such denial about him. I was
naive.

Can I forgive him? I have wanted to forgive him. The consequences of
his actions have been so hurtful. I hope that my desire to forgive him
is a beginning to forgiving him. I think I’ll get to that point one of
these days, the point of being able to say that I forgive him and mean
it. I would like him to forgive me for my having hurt him. Perhaps he
has but can’t tell me. I don’t think I’ll ever know. He may not want my
forgiveness but I would like to forgive him anyway. Forgiving him
wouldn’t make us friends. I don’t need to be friends and I don’t want
to be enemies.

I forgave both of my parents for all the stuff that happened when I
was a child. They were their own worst enemies and I am happy that I
haven’t had to live in the shoes of either of them. They weren’t my
enemies. They were so caught up in their respective miseries and bad
habits that they couldn’t be good parents. They were two of the most
unhappy people I’ve ever met. I have felt sorry for them both. My
father died in 1988. My mother is alive. Even though I forgive her for
everything, I don’t want to have contact with her because she never
changes and I’ve had enough bad treatment. I forgive her for this but I
don’t want to subject myself to it any more. I wish she could restrain
herself. I accept that she can’t.

I forgive my daughter for not being able to forgive me for things
that made her angry. I forgive her even if she doesn’t want my
forgiveness or think that she’s done anything to merit needing
forgiveness. I forgive her. This doesn’t mean that I want our
estrangement to be over. Because of how she feels and how she has acted
towards me, perhaps estrangement is the best solution for both of us. I
will always love her. I might not always like her but I will always
love her.

She wants me to apologize but I have been there and done that and
now it feels like that old cartoon with Lucy pulling the football away
as Charlie Brown goes to kick it and then he falls on his back. Every
year Lucy did that. In this case I feel like I would be playing the
part of Charlie Brown and I’m not going to run and try to kick that
football one more time. At least not the way she wants me to.

I will apologize here for the following … for not knowing how to
react to her anger in 1995 and 1996 in a way that would make her less
angry. I am sorry for not knowing what to do and how to do it. It is
possible that if I did know the answer to that question, I wouldn’t be
WILLING to do it. I don’t know. But maybe I am just not wise enough and
there was a way that we could have had a continuing relationship. Would
it have been a good one? I don’t know that either.

I forgive her for estranging herself from me. I am sure that she
thinks that it is the best solution. From my point of view I am
thinking currently that she is right. At least as long as she feels the
way that she feels. I don’t need people who don’t love me to try to
love me. Someone loves me or they don’t. When the person is a daughter,
it is important. I would prefer that she stay away from me if she
doesn’t love me. But I forgive her for not loving me.

For myself, I forgive myself for being naive, for sometimes being
downright stupid, for not being all knowing, for being human, and for
not knowing what to do ten years ago. I wish I were a wiser woman who
knew how to get along with everyone all the time but I forgive myself
for not being that. I don’t know if even the Dalai Lama is capable of
getting along with everyone all the time. Somehow I think he is capable
of forgiving himself if he doesn’t.

Snicks