I visited my daughter, Robin’s website yesterday, as I do occasionally. It is my way of updating myself on her life if she has updated her website. She has used it as a means of putting news of her life out there, ostensibly for friends? or cousins? Or me? I don’t know why she puts the information on there but she does. Not often. Sometimes a year and a half goes by before she changes it. Usually she changes it when something significant happens like a death or the loss of a job or the start of a new job. She talks on it as though she is talking directly with someone but it is unclear who she is talking to. It sounds as though she is hopeful that her cousins visit the site. They are far flung, from Florida to California and elsewhere. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
They are the people who she seems to look forward to seeing on
\nholidays at her father’s and stepmother’s house. She has referred to
\nthat house on one occasion as her stepmother’s house, although it was
\noriginally her father’s house and I am sure still is although perhaps
\nit is now in both his and his wife’s name. But I found that reference
\nto it in her stepmother’s name as odd as though she had been declaring
\nsome sort of allegiance to her previously problematic stepmother.\n<\/p>\n
(Note added on Nov. 5, 2005: I later learned that she refers to This brings me to the Breaking News part. Yesterday I discovered a Robin was so furious that she claimed a domain name that reads (with I guess I can consider myself fortunate that Robin never developed a site called: www.mymotherisabitch.com. <\/p>\n In her rant she goes back to her wedding day of 1991 and how her (Note added Nov. 5: She differs with my account of this. She says I can empathize with why she is angry with her stepmother and her Another thing that I learned from Robin’s rant is that she and her (Note added Nov. 5: My observations on the cookies and her I am happy that she can afford (Wow! Can she really?) such an It was a very educational rant that she put online. My overall What this means for the future? I don’t know. I guess it is a In her rant I am struck by her perceptions, as shown in her (Note added Nov. 5, 2005: I never saw him do anything that I I ponied up willingly my half of the cost. I am not even a wedding Her lasting resentment on this point of her wedding day is I think what bugs her so much about her wedding day is that she While she despised the estrangement between her father and me, she (Note: On Nov. 5, 2005 I edited this paragraph above. I didn’t Other things I learned in her rant: that her stepmother has My overall feeling over her new estrangements is amusement. It is I never would have expected that things would turn out this way with More on this later when I have more time.<\/p>\n Ginny<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I visited my daughter, Robin’s website yesterday, as I do occasionally. It is my way of updating myself on her life if she has updated her website. She has used it as a means of putting news of her life out there, ostensibly for friends? or cousins? Or me? I don’t know why she puts…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,69],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-343","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-for-parents","category-weblogs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/343","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=343"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/343\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=343"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=343"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=343"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nthe house in that way, not due to an allegiance but due to the way that
\nthe house looks. I think this means that her stepmother decorates it in
\nher own unique way.)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nlong rant uploaded on October 17, 2005 by my daughter on her website
\nwhich revealed that she has estranged herself from both her stepmother
\nand her father. Her stepmother is a realtor. Robin is selling her house
\nand moving to another state with her husband. Robin decided not to use
\nher stepmother as the selling agent for her house. This resulted in a
\nheated argument which culminated in Robin deciding to become estranged
\nfrom her. Then Robin’s father entered the fray after initially trying
\nto stay neutral. That ended with Robin estranging herself from her
\nfather.<\/p>\n
\nthe "insert name here being stepmother’s full name):
\nwww.insertnamehereisabitch.com.<\/p>\n
\nfather who was my ex and myself made the day all about us (her
\nperception) by not being on speaking terms. And somehow she perceived
\nme as acting as though I was not part of the wedding … despite the
\nfact that I was tied up all day behind the camera because she had asked
\nme to be the photographer! At her request! <\/p>\n
\nI offered to be the photographer. Our memories differ. No matter which
\nmemory is correct, I didn’t photograph the wedding to be a bad mom.
\nPossibly both of our memories are somewhat correct.)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nfather as I think it is outrageous that they would insist that she use
\nher stepmother as her sales agent if she didn’t want to. Although I
\ndon’t know their side of the situation and don’t know if they might
\nfeel that due to other circumstances that it would have been
\nconsiderate to hire her stepmother. But I tend to think I’d be in
\nagreement with Robin even if I did know all the facts. (Note added on
\nNov. 2: Since I wrote this post, I am thinking that I could be wrong on
\nthis point. After subsequent events.)<\/p>\n
\nhusband are buying a $624,000 house! This blows my mind! This from the
\nperson who sent me a tin of cookies for Christmas in the year prior to
\nher estranging herself from me because they were short of money! This
\nfrom the person who resented my asking her to remember my birthday! Her
\nfinancial condition now must be great! <\/p>\n
\nfinances were not meant as criticisms. I was expressing my
\nastonishment. She took it as a criticism when she read this. The typed
\nword has such limitations. It is easy to read in whatever we want to
\nread into it. I am impressed with how they’ve done. It’s great! I was
\nnoting the contrast between then and now. It is mighty mindblowing! I
\nnoted the birthday thing because her reaction to it will always stay
\nwith me, not for some other reason. Her reaction was the catalyst for
\nsubsequent communications in 1995 between us that culminated in this
\nestrangement. She interprets my having mentioned her resentment to my
\nrequest much differently.)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nexpensive house. I am awestruck! I had no idea that they were doing so
\nwell. She walks dogs for a living since last fall. Robert was a loan
\nofficer for a nationally known tax preparation company. He does have a
\nnew job. That is an expensive house by my standards. I have some
\nupscale friends who are pretty indulgent and they wouldn’t have bought
\na house that expensive. The taxes are significant too. Over $4,000! I
\nam impressed!<\/p>\n
\nfeeling is amusement along with some irony and a lot of surprise. I am
\namused because in 1995 she chose working on a relationship with her
\nfeelings-constipated father rather than have any relationship with me
\nand now she has decided that working on a relationship with him is
\nfutile. She has decided to protect herself from him and her stepmother.
\nThere is irony that she made that choice in 1995 with full knowledge on
\nher part that she had had a history with him of failed promises and
\nlack of closeness. I am surprised because … she stuck it out for the
\nlast ten years with a relationship with them and why? It seemed that
\nshe would always choose him no matter what he did, no matter how
\ncritical or distant he was.<\/p>\n
\npositive step as far as its increasing the chances that I might hear
\nfrom her again. In the short run I don’t think it changes anything
\nabout her estrangement from me but maybe this break will be a positive
\none in that she never did hold her father responsible for much of what
\nhe did and she never was willing to confront him on anything. So maybe
\nshe needs to do this before she can contemplate repairing our
\nrelationship. As long as she was "hostage" to her father, she may never
\nhave been able to see herself in a relationship with me, a relationship
\nof which her father would disapprove.<\/p>\n
\ndescription of her wedding day back in 1991, that the day was not all
\nabout her but about "us" because her father would not talk to me. As
\nthough we hogged the attention which is so far from the truth. But that
\nis her perception. Interesting. Why? The day was truly about her and
\nRobert and their wedding. The fact that her father and I were estranged
\nwas just a fact of life, something that Tony refused to do anything
\nabout and something over which I had no control. I did the best that I
\ncould that day. I was the photographer. I was friendly with everyone
\nalthough didn’t try with my ex as that would have been useless. I
\nwasn’t able to play "mother of the bride" much under those
\ncircumstances of being responsible for the photography. I am sure my ex
\ndid the best he could under the circumstances. <\/p>\n
\ncould describe as hogging attention. I know that I didn’t do anything
\nthat could be described that way either.)<\/em><\/p>\n
\ntype person! My first wedding was not a big wedding and was one that I
\ndid more to appease others than to make myself happy. My second wedding
\nwas a $10 trip to a justice of the peace! I don’t believe in fancy
\nweddings. But I didn’t attempt to impose my own beliefs on Robin. Yet
\nshe faults me for not being the kind of mom who gives special wedding
\nparties and who helped her plan the wedding. I lived 350 miles away and
\nshe told me repeatedly that she had everything planned and under
\ncontrol herself. Yet she resents to this day, 14 years later, that I
\nwas not her idea of a "normal" mother because I didn’t do the whole big
\npre-wedding and wedding stuff. Does she have any idea just how clueless
\nI am about weddings or even how socially incompetent I am at giving
\nparties? I guess not. <\/p>\n
\nsurprising, shocking, and sad. She did have a lovely day. It is sad
\nthat she remembers it with such resentment. Her father and I were only
\ntwo of many people there and I am sure that he was friendly with many
\npeople that day. There were no scenes, no unpleasant arguments or
\nhostile interactions. We were all on our best behavior other than Tony
\nrefusing to talk to me which had already gone on at the point fo 6
\nyears. I am struck by her perception that our estrangement made the day
\nall about us as though a 6 ton elephant had been invited to the party
\nand had sat in everyone’s laps! Apparently she was very sensitive to
\nour estrangement, more so than I knew. I too had wished that we were on
\nspeaking terms. Another odd thing was that she blamed me for it even
\nthough it was her father’s decision to estrange himself. <\/p>\n
\nwanted a perfect day that met all of her fantasies of it and she will
\nnever be able to remember her wedding as perfect because her father and
\nI were not on good terms. The truth is that weddings, like everything
\nelse are never perfect and if it hadn’t been the situation between her
\nfather & I, it would have been another imperfection that would
\nendlessly bug her. It is seeing the glass as always half empty. How can
\nsomeone be happy if they can’t accept that shit happens and sometimes
\npeople don’t feel or act as you want them to? Expecting everyone to
\nfeel according to your expectations and your schedule is just
\nunrealistic. If a marriage is a happy one, why not celebrate what the
\nday meant and that it was the beginning of a great relationship? Why 14
\nyears later continue to express resentment because two people there
\nwere no longer friends? We weren’t friends but we were all doing what
\nshe wanted us to do with the exception of his refusal to speak with me
\nor to me.<\/p>\n
\nhas done exactly the sort of thing that she had despised. She has
\nestranged herself from me, my mother, her father and her stepmother.
\nShe had blamed me for the estrangement with her father as though I had
\nhad a choice in the matter of her father’s not talking to me and its
\nhaving been a problem for her state of mind at her wedding. Now she
\nseems to have developed some understanding that estrangements are
\nsometimes necessary although she still thinks that our not talking at
\nthe wedding was due to our childishness. I would have been happy to be
\nable to speak with my ex-husband. <\/p>\n
\nrealize that my daughter would read it and I wrote it off the cuff.
\nThis paragraph about estrangements was confusing even to me when I
\nreread it. I have rewritten it for the public’s understanding of what I
\nwas trying to say. I have learned since I wrote it that now she says
\nthat she blamed both her father and myself equally for the estrangement
\nbetween him and I. I don’t understand even having half the blame put on
\nme since the estrangement with him was never my decision and I would
\nhave been much happier to have been on speaking terms at the wedding
\nand prior to the wedding and after the wedding.)<\/em><\/p>\n
\ndiabetes; that Robin’s mother-in-law is dying; that Robert has a new
\njob; that they are moving to another state. I learned that they think
\nof Robert’s mother as the only one who "truly loves and cares for us".
\nThat is truly truly sad and not true. I love Robin. I don’t love her as
\nmuch as I once did which I would describe as adoration. I no longer
\nadore her. But I love her. I can’t help but love her. Sometimes I think
\nthis is unfortunate. I think as a mom I am wired to love my daughter no
\nmatter what.<\/p>\n
\nhard to feel sympathetic under my circumstances. It was her choice to
\nally herself with her father and stepmother. It is impossible for me to
\nfeel badly for how the situation is deteriorating between them all
\nalthough my old self would have been dismayed.<\/p>\n
\nRobin becoming estranged from everyone. She is 39 now. I don’t see her
\nas the helpless teenager who needed me as an emotional support as I
\nonce saw her. I don’t see her now as needing my assistance. She is an
\nadult and has certainly proved that she is capable of taking care of
\nherself and is as capable of doling out hurt as much as anyone I’ve
\never met. So I confess that my main feeling is amusement, not
\ncompassion, even though I can empathize with why she is angry. <\/p>\n