THE ART OF MISPERCEPTION OR<\/strong><\/p>\n How one person can see purple and the other orange …<\/strong><\/p>\n Well, back to discussing estrangements using myself and my daughter as lab rats to observe, dissect, and draw conclusions. Some will consider this callous and cold. A certain person with the first name of Robin most certainly will. Empathy isn’t her long suit. She is clueless about why I have this website.<\/p>\n It is futile to attempt to communicate with my daughter. We are on such different planets. If I read text one way, she reads it in an entirely different way and vice versa. It is just futile. But this is good fuel for writing about this phenomena. It is not that I feel cold and without feeling about my daughter’s hatred of me. It is that I can’t do anything about it and it has gone on so long that I no longer have intense feelings about it. I have developed callouses. We cannot communicate as there is no common ground of understanding. Our lack of relationship now is only good for one thing … as an example for others on what happens in an estrangement.<\/p>\n So … I will discuss it on that basis.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Here are some basic differences in how I see things and how my REASON FOR WEBSITE<\/strong><\/p>\n My perception of the reason for this website<\/em> is that it began My daughter’s perception of this website<\/em> is that it is a sick obsession and is evidence of my mental illness.<\/p>\n BEING THE WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER<\/strong><\/p>\n My perception of being the photographer<\/em> at my daughter’s wedding was that I was doing what she wanted me to do. <\/p>\n Her perception<\/em> is that it kept me from being part of the ME OBSESSIVE?<\/strong><\/p>\n My perception<\/em> of whether I obsess or not: Of course I obsess. My daughter’s perception<\/em> of whether I obsess: My daughter PAYING FOR HALF OF THE WEDDING<\/strong><\/p>\n My perception<\/em> of my payment of half of her wedding: I did so at her request. She may have called it a "wedding gift". It was not my idea. <\/p>\n My daughter’s perception<\/em> of my payment of half of her HOUNDING HER WITH LETTERS<\/strong><\/p>\n My perception<\/em> in 1995 of my relationship with my daughter was Her perception<\/em> of the letters in 1995: I was "hounding her" APOLOGIES<\/strong><\/p>\n My perception<\/em> of sending apologies to her and trying to Her perception<\/em> is that I was insincere and that she cannot trust me. That I sent an apology for "nothing".<\/p>\n LISTENING I<\/strong><\/p>\n My perception<\/em> of whether I listen to her or not: I always Her perception<\/em> of whether I listen to her or not: She thinks LISTENING II<\/strong><\/p>\n My perception<\/em> of whether she listens to me: Um … she hasn’t Her perception<\/em> of whether she listens to me: Um … she HOW I WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE<\/strong><\/p>\n My perception<\/em> of how I want her to be: I would love her no Her perception<\/em> of how I want her to be: She thinks that I want her to be a mirror image of ME and that I am disappointed if she isn’t.<\/p>\n GIFT GIVING<\/strong><\/p>\n My perception<\/em> of giving gifts: I love to give gifts to people Her perception<\/em> of my attitude towards gifts: I am materialistic and I measure people by the gifts that are given or received.<\/p>\n MY DAUGHTER’S OPINION OF ME<\/strong><\/p>\n My perception<\/em> of comments that she makes about me: She hates Her perception<\/em> of comments that I make about her: She MY DAUGHTER’S IDEA OF KINDNESS<\/strong><\/p>\n My idea of kindness:<\/em> Being kind and gentle with people. My daughter’s idea of kindness:<\/em> Her email to me in which she AMUSEMENT<\/strong><\/p>\n My perception<\/em> of why Robin’s Online Rant amuses me: Because Robin’s perception<\/em> of my amusement: She perceives that the MY HUMANITY<\/strong><\/p>\n My perception<\/em> of whether I am human: I am most definitely I am not capable of allowing a serious loss to affect me for only a She thinks that I only think about ME. I suspect she thinks that I I am most absolutely definitely human.<\/p>\n My daughter’s perception of me:<\/em> That I don’t act like a human MY GUT FEELING<\/p>\n I was never a Joan Crawford sort of Mommy Dearest mother. I was My ex-husband has "issues" with my having left him. Was he bitter? The second person is my mother who has called me crazy throughout And the third person who calls me mentally ill and denigrates me is In my heart it is not that I know I am right. This is not about Snicks<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" THE ART OF MISPERCEPTION OR How one person can see purple and the other orange … Well, back to discussing estrangements using myself and my daughter as lab rats to observe, dissect, and draw conclusions. Some will consider this callous and cold. A certain person with the first name of Robin most certainly will. Empathy…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,69],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-340","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-for-parents","category-weblogs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/340","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=340"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/340\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=340"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=340"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=340"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\ndaughter sees them. This may be similar to what some of you who visit
\nhere have experienced about your own estrangements.<\/p>\n
\nas a means of coping with the loss of my relationship with my daughter
\nwhich was a deep and painful loss. I continue this project as my
\ncontribution to others who find themselves in painful estrangements and
\nstruggle to cope with them. <\/p>\n
\nwedding and that she wanted me to be part of the wedding. I guess she
\nthinks I did the photography to keep myself from being part of the
\nwedding or for some other probably narcissistic reason.<\/p>\n
\nI am a bit obsessive. I go back and check the door knob to make sure I
\nlocked the door. I go back and check other things to make sure I’ve
\ndone them. Yes. I do obsess but not so much that it impairs my life or
\nis a mental illness. I am not as obsessive as the character Monk on the
\nTV program. Sometimes my obsession is the driving force behind my
\ngetting stuff done and can be a positive thing as well as a sometimes
\ninconvenient thing. <\/p>\n
\nthinks that I am mentally ill and that I should not still think about
\nher or visit her website to learn about her life and that my obsessing
\nis a mental illness. She, of course, never obsesses and is a poster
\nwoman for Mental Health. <\/p>\n
\nwedding: It was an offer from me. Either way, apparently my daughter
\nsees this as a negative. I’m not sure how she perceives it. The way she
\nwrites about it doesn’t sound positive but maybe it’s just me.
\n"MEMEMEMEMEMEME", as she likes to say.<\/p>\n
\nconfused. I didn’t understand what was happening or why she seemed to
\nbe angry. I did continue to send her letters when I shouldn’t have.
\nThis was due to obsessing about it and to missing her. I missed her a
\ngreat deal. I acknowledge that my writing those letters was a mistake. <\/p>\n
\nand that I should have left her alone for 6 months as I had said I
\nwould do. She does not understand how much anxiety I felt as a mom in
\nimminent peril of losing her daughter nor does she empathize with it.
\nTo her it is merely "sick" behavior. But on this we apparently agree: I
\nshould not have written her that one more letter. She is absolutely
\ncorrect. <\/p>\n
\nreconcile is that I was sincere and wanted to have a relationship with
\nher. I was apologizing for not knowing what to do in 1995 and for
\nupsetting her. I may not have said all that but that is what I meant.<\/p>\n
\nloved to hear about whatever she was doing. I have not been able to
\nlisten to her for 10 years because she won’t talk to me. Even today she
\nsays that she has put a block on my emails. In 1995 she said she put a
\nblock on her phone. She has told me very little about herself. If I
\ntalked about my own projects on the phone when we were talking, that
\nwas because that was what I had to talk about. I was happy to hear her
\nnews. In fact she told me when she got angry at me in 1995 that she
\nhated to hear me ask, "What’s new?" whenever we talked. I wasn’t trying
\nto irritate her. <\/p>\n
\nthat I don’t listen to her and that everything she wants to do is
\nconsidered by me to be stupid.<\/p>\n
\nlistened to me for 10 years and when she did listen to me, she resented
\nwhatever it was that I wanted to talk about, especially if the subject
\nwas me. <\/p>\n
\ndidn’t like hearing me talk about myself or ask her what’s new. Rather
\nthan listen to me, she has refused to speak with me for 10 years.<\/p>\n
\nmatter what music she likes, what activities she likes, what job she
\nhas. None of that matters. I don’t need her to be like me. At the time
\nshe estranged herself from me, I was just learning how different she
\nwas from me which was a surprise as I hadn’t known those things before
\nbut it was okay and I always loved her. <\/p>\n
\nI love but gifts are not important. They are just fun to give. I love
\nto receive gifts that are attune to who I am, not because I am
\nmaterialistic. It is just fun but not necessary. <\/p>\n
\nme and has disliked me for a very long time that began long before she
\nestranged herself from me. This is extremely sad and is something that
\nI don’t understand but accept. <\/p>\n
\nperceives anything that I say in the blackest possible terms and
\ndoesn’t accept that I can say something and not be meaning it in a
\ncritical sense. She is supersensitive to anything that I write. If I
\nwrote it, it must be a criticism. Even if I mean it to be particularly
\nnice and supportive. It is always seen as a criticism. This makes
\nwriting to her or about her a no-win situation. It is impossible for
\nher to see anything that I write as being a positive about her. <\/p>\n
\nExpressing sorrow for their hurts. Listening. Being there for them.
\nEnjoying hearing from them. <\/p>\n
\nexpresses her absolute disdain, dislike, and hate for me that extends
\nback over the years. She calls it "kindness". Really she does. <\/p>\n
\nthey all deserve it. Everyone of them. Robin, Betty Ann, and Tony. They
\ndeserve to be angry at each other and estranged from each other. I have
\nbeen estranged by two of them and have been hurt by Tony & Robin
\nestranging themselves from me. If they are now estranged, good! Yes,
\nthat amuses me. My amusement is not directed at Robert or his mom and
\nher impending death. That is very sad and not at all amusing. I am
\ndisgusted by the thought that anyone would think that I would consider
\nher impending death amusing. But I consider it consistent that Robin
\nwould interpret my post in that manner. <\/p>\n
\namusement that I feel on reading her online rant includes the news
\nabout her mother-in-law. Robin is consistent. She enjoys the fantasy
\nthat I am an ogre.<\/p>\n
\nhuman. I FEEL. I feel grief, love, affection, sadness, guilt,
\nannoyance, anger, indignation, maternal, offended, sorrow, admiration,
\nloss, and more. I feel. Most definitely. If I didn’t feel, I would not
\nhave this website. If I didn’t feel, I would not care if anyone
\nestranged themselves from me. I would go on with my life and not care. <\/p>\n
\ncouple of weeks and moving on as though I never had a daughter. In
\nfact, said daughter on one of her websites has an essay on the grief
\nthat dog owners feel when they lose a beloved pet and how no one can
\ndictate how long it will last. Maybe she thinks that the loss of a
\ndaughter is somehow less than the loss of a dog? <\/p>\n
\nhave Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am not even insulted by that
\npossible thought as I am not even going to try to defend myself against
\nthat one. I could but I’m not. <\/p>\n
\nand that I am mentally ill because I continue to miss her and for other
\nreasons that are strangers to my experience of myself. I agree with her
\nthat I may be nuts in the sense that most mothers would be driven
\nsomewhat nuts by the loss of a child because the loss of a child, grown
\nor small, is a serious loss that impacts a woman far more than my
\ndaughter will ever know because she has no children. She has dogs and
\ncats. They are her children and I guess she thinks it is the same thing
\nor if it is similar, that losing a child is less of a loss than losing
\na dog. Losing a child is far far worse than losing a pet, even a pet
\nthat one thinks of as a child. Maybe you have to have experienced it to
\nunderstand and empathize.<\/p>\n
\nnever the kind of mother who deserved to be estranged or whom it would
\nmake sense to estrange. In my gut I know this about myself and no
\namount of analysis and accusations by Robin will get me to believe
\nanything different. For whatever reason, Robin chooses to dislike me
\nand even hate me. I have been lucky enough to have had two people in my
\nlife … oh wait, three counting her father … who find it easy to
\ndenigrate me, call me mentally ill, and estrange themselves from me
\nwhen I was not behaving as they wanted me to behave. The three people
\nare my ex-husband, my mother, and my daughter. <\/p>\n
\nUm …. YES!!! Did he want me NOT to leave? Um …. YES!!! Does he
\nthink that I should not have left him? YES!!! <\/p>\n
\nmost of my life with no insight on her part that she qualified for a
\nmental health disability long ago, that she goes to a psychiatrist and
\nhas gone to one for over 50 years, and that she was in an institution
\nfor 3 years in the fifties. In a letter to me in 2002 she called me
\ndumb and stupid and credited my stupidity to my paternal genes.<\/p>\n
\nRobin. I will not stoop to analyzing the reasons behind this and pin
\nlabels on her as she tries to do to me. The reasons why she does this
\nand estranges herself from me are in her own heart and mind. In this
\ncase it is all about HERHERHERHERHERHERHER. Whatever the reasons are
\nthey have little to do with me. <\/p>\n
\nbeing right or wrong. It is about recognizing love and the ability to
\nlove and the ability to hate. Robin is very good at hating. I do not
\nknow the reasons for this. I just accept it. But it reminds me of my
\nmom and how she has treated me. I am just so lucky to have had both a
\nMommy Dearest in my life as well as a Daughter Dearest. But I won’t
\nwrite a book about it. I just have this website.<\/p>\n