What inspired me to write a list of the things that I like about being estranged is that I woke up yesterday thinking about some stranger’s belief that my taking down estrangements.com would make it more likely that my daughter would reconcile with me. Along with thinking about how clueless that stranger was, I was thinking that the only good thing that had come out of being estranged was estrangements.com. Then I realized immediately that that was not true. That I had had so much more peace in my life since being estranged and hadn’t had a migraine headache since the time that my mother visited. I hadn’t had a migraine headache before that since my daughter had visited. Then I made the list of what I like about being estranged.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I don’t know if former acquaintances and in-laws visit this blog and
\nread these posts. I know that my daughter links to the site so that if
\nthey visit her site, they have access to mine. I’ve wondered what they
\nthink and feel when they read something like 19 reasons I am happy to
\nbe estranged. To tell you the truth, I can imagine but don’t have any
\nidea of the reality of what they are thinking because I don’t know so
\nmuch about them and their relationship with my daughter or their
\nunderstanding of estrangements in the intervening years or their
\nrelationships in their own families. My daughter states that they would
\nwalk through glass for their kids. Yes, I am sure that they would. As
\nwould I have for my kid before this estrangement began. <\/p>\n
(An aside: Not only would I have walked through glass, I would have
\nput my life on the line for my daughter. As far as walking through
\nglass, in a metaphorical way, I did the equivalent of walking through
\nbroken glass but I won’t go into why I say that.) <\/p>\n
Back when I knew my ex’s family, we all were on good terms as far as
\nI knew. When I left my ex, I didn’t see any of them again till my
\ndaughter’s wedding and haven’t seen any of them since.<\/p>\n
My ex was from a traditional Italian family. His parents, now
\ndeceased, were born in America to Italian immigrants. The parents had
\nrelatives in Italy and would send presents over there. I remember this
\nhuge black slip that they were going to send. It could have fit two or
\nthree smaller women in it. "She is a big beautiful woman!" they said.
\nCool!<\/p>\n
The parents tried very hard to keep family together when their kids
\nwere grown. Everyone was expected to come to their house for dinner on
\nevery holiday and also were expected to see as many of their aunts and
\nuncles and cousins as possible while they were visiting.<\/p>\n
My mother-in-law was one of 9 siblings. My father-in-law also was
\none of 9 siblings. So there was a lot of visiting to do. Estrangement
\nwasn’t something that anyone talked about and was the opposite of what
\nthey were trying to accomplish. Yet estrangement did exist. There was
\none long estrangement between two of the sisters and there was an
\nunderlying threat of what might happen if someone didn’t do what was
\nexpected. Feelings could be hurt. Someone could get angry. They all
\nloved each other but there was this feeling that if you didn’t do
\nthings a certain way, then that might be proof that you didn’t love
\nsomeone and then Lord knows what might happen?<\/p>\n
Two of the sisters in my mother-in-law’s family were estranged for a
\nvery long time. Many years. It has been a long time since I have
\nthought about this and my memory isn’t perfect. If I don’t have the
\ndetails exactly right, it isn’t due to anything but imperfect memory. I
\nthink the estrangement was between my mother-in-law and one of her
\nsisters. The youngest one? My mother-in-law was the oldest one. If not
\nher and that sister, then it was between another sister and that
\nsister. I think the estrangement went on for 25 years. It began as an
\nargument over some small thing that wouldn’t make it understandable to
\nmost people why two sisters wouldn’t talk to each other for 25 years. I
\nrecall that you couldn’t even mention one sister to the other during
\nthat estrangement. But they did reconcile. I can’t remember what
\nbrought them to reconcile.<\/p>\n
Being the oldest sister of nine siblings must have put a lot of
\nresponsibility on my mother-in-law’s shoulders. I believe that she
\nexpected people to listen to her and to respect her and to look up to
\nher.<\/p>\n
My father-in-law was the quieter one. He didn’t talk a lot and if
\nthe subject of something like sex came up, he talked even less and
\nlooked shocked. The oddest thing I remember hearing about him was that
\nwhen he was a young man and his mother got mad at him, she threw a meat
\ncleaver at him. I can’t recall for sure if it hit him. I think that
\nmaybe it did but that he wasn’t hurt badly. I’d tell more but since
\nthere may be folk reading here who knew him, they might take certain
\nadditional stories as being criticism and that wouldn’t be my
\nintention. So I won’t tell them.<\/p>\n
I loved being part of this family for 18 years. And they were very
\ninteresting. Very different from my Scandinavian relatives who tended
\nnot to talk a lot and who weren’t physically demonstrative. In the
\nfamily of my in-laws, everyone hugged. Whether they wanted to or not,
\nthey hugged! When anyone arrived, when anyone left. And they ate. You
\nate and you had second and third helpings. The food was very good. I
\nlearned a lot of what I know about cooking there. I can still make an
\nexcellent meatball and gravy.<\/p>\n
They hugged, ate, and ordered you around. This is not a criticism.
\nIt is expressed with the joy of memory. You came in, you got hugged,
\nyou got told to sit down, you got told to eat, you got told to eat some
\nmore, you got told to wash the dishes. It was delightful! I love
\nremembering it. I loved them. I was sorry not to see them under those
\ncircumstances any more. I loved seeing them at the wedding.<\/p>\n
My sister-in-law is married to a businessperson who has worked hard
\nto succeed in life. They both worked together and have a beautiful home
\nand 3 kids who were only teenagers and young adults when I left my ex.
\nMy ex’s brother is a graphic artist. He was the first born and was
\nhighly regarded by his parents, so highly regarded that my ex felt
\nsometimes that they may have loved his brother more than him. My ex was
\nsuccessful also at his own profession. I only know that to his parents
\nit was important that everyone see each other on holidays and that they
\nremain family as much as possible. Which wasn’t as much as his mother
\nwould have liked but it is my understanding that they do keep in touch.<\/p>\n
My ex’s brother went through a bitter divorce before I even gave
\ndivorce serious thought. He and his wife had had a seemingly perfect
\nmarriage. They have 3 children, all now adults, some (or all? I don’t
\nknow) with kids of their own. Their mom was from an Irish family and
\nshe had those beautiful Irish features of pale skin, dark hair, and
\nfreckles. At least this is how I remember her. They lived in the
\nsuburbs in a lovely house. Before they divorced, his wife shared with
\nme that they were arguing bitterly about some things. I’m not sure
\nwhat. She was involved in socially conscious sorts of activities. He
\nwanted her to be at home more and be more traditional. She was a very
\nstrong minded person and felt strongly about things she believed in.<\/p>\n
After they separated, a split which came as a huge shock to everyone
\nelse, they remained separated for 8 years before they got a divorce. I
\ndon’t know if they are on speaking terms now. It would surprise me if
\nthey were but then things change. I think that they were estranged
\nafter the divorce. Their split up was that kind that takes everyone by
\nsurprise. As was the split up between me and my ex. I know that I never
\nwould have talked about any problems in my marriage with my
\nmother-in-law so she never would have had a clue that anything was
\nwrong. As I said previously, I loved my in-laws and love my memories of
\nbeing part of their family but I can’t say that we were close. <\/p>\n
Even though a family can try to be together on holidays and can hug
\nand visit, closeness isn’t always there if people can’t talk about some
\nthings with each other. And that was the case in my ex’s family. We
\ndidn’t and\/or couldn’t talk about some things with each other. Nor was
\ntalking about certain things encouraged. While the image was there of
\nsome of us as being a happy family, we weren’t all happy all the time
\nand we weren’t all able to talk about these things. For one thing
\ntalking about it would have lead possibly to arguments and then to
\nanger and then to … HORRORS! … maybe estrangement. Which is not
\nwhat anyone, especially my in-laws, wanted, even if there already was
\nan estrangement in the family.<\/p>\n
It’s as though to risk being honest was to risk getting so angry
\nthat someone might walk out. So you could order people to sit down and
\nwash the dishes and eat and hug and more but you couldn’t handle it if
\nsomeone had a serious disagreement or was honest about a serious
\nproblem. Honest emotions were troublesome guests if they came to the
\ntable. <\/p>\n
There was a lot that got shoved under the rug. Which was a VERY
\nclean rug by the way. Because in the dining room which was used only
\nfor holidays and special events there was a clear plastic runner over
\nthe dining room rug and clear plastic over the couch and the chairs.
\nBut this might be understandable when you realize that my mother-in-law
\nkept the house immaculate, that they lived through the Depression, that
\nthey were careful with their money, and that they wanted their
\npossessions to last. But the memory of those clear plastic coverings
\nstill brings a smile to my face.<\/p>\n
I may mention another estrangement in my daughter’s family in a
\nfuture post. This post is long enough and what I know of that
\nestrangement adds nothing to the memory of my ex’s family of which i
\nwas once a member. Although I do recall my ex’s brother saying at the
\nwedding something delightful like, "Once a sister-in-law, always a
\nsister-in-law," and he smiled. He was very kind to say that. Thank you,
\nR! Or someone thank him for me if he doesn’t read this.<\/p>\n
Snicks<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
What inspired me to write a list of the things that I like about being estranged is that I woke up yesterday thinking about some stranger’s belief that my taking down estrangements.com would make it more likely that my daughter would reconcile with me. Along with thinking about how clueless that stranger was, I was…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[69],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-320","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-weblogs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/320","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=320"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/320\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=320"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=320"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=320"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}