In 1988 I attended a one week workshop for Adult Children of Alcoholics. During that workshop I learned something about myself. I learned much more than this one thing but there was this one something that I am remembering today. I learned that I had some preconceived notions about older women, meaning women who were 15 or 20 years older than myself. I tended not to trust them or to consider them as possibilities for friendships. There was a woman there who was interested in being friends with me and I paid no attention to her. When it came up that she was interested in being friends, I said something about not being interested in being friends with her. My prime reason for my lack of interest made little sense. It was because she was somewhat older than me.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I know where that comes from in me. I’m not blaming anyone else for
\nit. I had had a problem for a long time trusting women to be friends
\nand especially trusting older women to be friends. Why? Because I had
\nsuch bad experiences in my family with my mother abusing me emotionally
\nand such bad memories of my grandmother who was cold and harsh. I’m not
\nblaming them. Please understand. It is not either of their faults that
\nI reacted this way to other women in my life. My reaction is my own.
\nNeither my grandmother nor my mother set out to make it hard for me to
\ntrust women to be friends. Both my grandmother and my mother had a set
\nof psychological problems that had nothing to do with me. My reactions
\nto having known them are my own and my reactions can change. It’s
\ncalled growing up. It’s lifelong, this process of growing up.<\/p>\n
In the last 17 years I’ve grown up more. I am happy to say that now
\nI am able to appreciate women as friends of many different ages.
\nSeveral of the women that I admire the most are in their eighties. I am
\nnow in that age group of women who I would have distanced myself from
\n15 years ago. I find that in the age group of which I am a member that
\nthere are many vibrant intelligent talented people who are working to
\nmake a difference in whatever area of the world that they find
\nthemselves. I enjoy their company and they appear to enjoy mine. What
\nwas I thinking 17 years ago? Whatever it was, I no longer think that. I
\nappreciate people. I realize how easy it is to discount someone based
\non some quality about them that somehow makes them invisible to some of
\nus when we are …. too blind to see them? When our eyes are closed due
\nto some self imposed set of blinders?<\/p>\n
Yesterday I went to a meeting and was the second one to get there.
\nThe first one to be sitting in the room when I got there is a man who
\nis about my age. I’ll call him Tom, not his real name. I’ve noticed at
\nprevious meetings that Tom didn’t seem to be much into my methods of
\ncreating art. That’s okay. We all have different tastes in art. I had
\nnoticed that Tom had never come into my studio when he was nearby and
\nmy studio was open. Well, that’s okay too. I didn’t need him to come in
\nif he wasn’t interested. Yesterday Tom asked my advice about something
\nthat I know about. Something that was going to cost him several
\nthousand dollars. Tom stated that he had a limited budget. <\/p>\n
I asked him questions about how he was going to use what he wanted
\nto buy and what the prices currently were. I gave him information about
\nwhat I knew and made some suggestions on alternative purchases that
\nwould save him money. Another person arrived at the meeting. This other
\nperson, a man who is in the same age range, is knowledgeable too about
\nthe matter on which the first fellow was asking advice. I’ll call him
\nJeff. During the course of the meeting, the three of us continued to
\ndiscuss the first fellow’s best course of action. <\/p>\n
Jeff’s advice was based on his having a certain kind of equipment
\nalready and on Jeff’s method of creating art. Tom’s method of creating
\nart is more similar to my method of creating art. Jeff didn’t ask Tom
\nhow he was going to use the equipment. Jeff approached giving advice on
\nthe purchase from the standpoint of creating art in the same manner as
\nJeff creates art. Jeff is an excellent artist, by the way, and creates
\nbeautiful artwork. This isn’t about who creates the best artwork. This
\nis about who people choose to ask for advice. Jeff told Tom that one of
\nmy suggestions could be a good alternative. When the meeting ended, Tom
\ntold Jeff that he would call him to get more advice from him. Okay.
\nThat’s his decision. He could have taken both our numbers to call
\nlater. <\/p>\n
Jeff has great equipment and the expertise to use it to maximize his
\nability to create what he wants to create. He has the money to buy
\nwhatever he wants. Tom has a limited budget, a limited ability to
\nhandle that kind of equipment, and different working methods. He had an
\noption to listen to the advice of two people and he has chosen one of
\nthem to give him advice on an expensive purchase who hasn’t asked him
\nhow he is going to use the equipment and has assumed that Tom needs to
\nwork in the same manner that Jeff works. Okay. We’re all free to make
\nour choices.<\/p>\n
So why didn’t Tom choose to call us both later to ask for advice? I
\ndon’t know. However, I suspect that the reason is because Tom feels
\nmore comfortable asking a man than he does asking a woman. Tom is
\nalmost clueless about the things he is buying. No, I didn’t say that to
\nhim or imply that. If I did, then, of course it would be understandable
\nwhy he was asking Jeff for advice. I was polite and considerate of Tom
\nthroughout the meeting. I asked about his family, listened to his news,
\npaid attention to his artwork and complimented it, gave him information
\nabout the equipment he was thinking of buying and suggested
\nalternatives. There was no point of rudeness or unpleasantness. But he,
\nfaced with several possibilities for obtaining information, chose only
\none of them. <\/p>\n
I could choose to be insulted but I feel more sorry for Tom than
\ninsulted. I have a considerable amount of experience in buying and
\nworking with the equipment that he is thinking of buying. Probably more
\nexperience than Jeff has. I think the only reason that Tom asked for my
\nopinion was that I was the only one in the room for a while and he
\ndidn’t know that Jeff was coming. There’s a good chance he’ll spend
\nmore than he needs to on some of it and won’t be able to purchase some
\nbetter equipment because he’ll run out of money. But he’ll be in his
\ncomfort zone with Jeff.<\/p>\n
How many times in my life have I done something like this? I’ll
\nnever know but I try to pay attention now to the possibilities of
\nmaking a choice like Tom’s. Rather than limiting my vision to only
\npeople that I feel the most comfortable with for some reason that goes
\nback decades, I spend time with and listen to all kinds of people,
\nregardless of my preconceptions of them based on some silly thing I
\nbelieved when I was 15 or 22 or 31 or 42.<\/p>\n
Funny but a woman I met recently blew some of my preconceptions
\nbased on appearances out of the water for me. She is a retired
\nbookkeeper. She has a matronly appearance. She looks as though she had
\njust baked cookies this afternoon and wants you to come by for a glass
\nof milk and cookies. She is easy to smile and always polite. She can
\ndig a hole for a fence post with a post hole digger and work with a
\ncross cut saw. These talents give me a whole new perspective on her. <\/p>\n
Have you ever sat at a table having lunch with others and then you
\nnotice that one person never looks you in the eye, never engages you in
\nconversation, and sits facing away from you? Say that there are only
\nthree of you at the table and the person does this. I’ve had this
\nhappen with certain people. They act as though I am not present. Or you
\nmeet them on the street while you are with a friend or your spouse and
\nthey direct all conversation to the person you are with and they make
\nno eye contact with you. <\/p>\n
What does that tell you? Are they discounting your existence for
\nsome reason? Have you wondered why? Is it you specifically or is it
\nsomething about you? If you’ve never done something to explain their
\nreacting in this way, have you speculated about why they act this way?
\nWhy they aren’t able to connect with you? Appreciate you? Enjoy your
\ncompany? Why can’t they ask you something about you? If they know
\nlittle about you (and how could they since they show no interest), then
\nit isn’t you at all. It’s something else known only to them. Maybe
\nsomething that they’ll become aware of someday and then grow out of? Or
\nmaybe something about the way that they are permanently? Something that
\nwill never change? Are they limited in how they view the world and in
\nhow they connect with people? Do they make the same kinds of decisions
\nagain and again regardless of the opportunities they’ve had to make
\ndifferent decisions?<\/p>\n
I’ve seen young people do this recently too. I’ve become aware of it
\nhappening more to me since I am now definitely an "older woman" with
\nthe appearance that goes with it. Once upon a time my looks drew
\nattention that I took for granted until I no longer got that attention
\nany more. When it’s gone, you notice that it’s gone but for a long time
\nwhen you are a woman you take that attention for granted. One day a
\nyoung man who works in a store carries something heavy out to your car
\nand calls you "Mam" and you know that you have changed for good. You
\nare an older woman and people react differently to you. Unless you look
\nlike Cher. And Madonna? Did you know that she is 47? Madonna is 47. But
\nMadonna and Cher will always be listened to and paid attention to.
\nThose of us who actually look like we are our age, who aren’t known for
\nthe money we can spend, and who aren’t show biz professionals get
\ndifferent reactions than the Chers of the world.<\/p>\n
For you maybe the reason why certain people discount your existence
\nmay be different than why certain people discount my existence. It
\nmight be your youth? your race? your ethnicity? your religion? your
\ngender? your sexual preference? your marital status? the fact that you
\nare single? your education? your lack of formal education? a physical
\nlimitation? your height? your weight? your profession? The reasons why
\nsomeone else can discount our existences and find us uninteresting are
\nendless. Yet it is the person who discounts others and finds so much of
\nthe world boring who limits their experience of the world. It is easy
\nto understand how someone can find the world so boring if they aren’t
\ncapable of finding out what is interesting in other people.<\/p>\n
When the person who discounts your existence is a relative, then
\nbeing discounted is particularly frustrating. However, the reasons
\nbehind their inability to appreciate you may be no different than the
\nreasons behind why others discount you. Your relative is not immune
\nfrom the same kinds of foibles that afflict others who suffer from an
\ninability to appreciate others. <\/p>\n
I’m not saying that everyone should love or even like everyone all
\nthe time. Not even the everyone’s who are our relatives. But we all
\nhave certain experiences that are the same. Such as that no one has a
\nchoice in who our relatives are. We all grow up into individuals who
\nhave preferences, likes, dislikes, interests that are uniquely ours. We
\nall sometimes wish that our children or parents were somewhat
\ndifferent. That we all had an easier time visiting during holidays.
\nThat Uncle Whatsisname wasn’t so opinionated about something. That
\ndaughter-in-law Sally wasn’t such a clean freak. That sister-in-law
\nBetsy wasn’t so messy. That son-in-law Roger didn’t drink so much.
\nSometimes we don’t realize that we ourselves aren’t that much more
\nentertaining or pleasant than Uncle whatsisname. We fail to recognize
\nthat our relatives are stuck with us too and that they are darned kind
\nfor putting up with us. We fail to recognize the value of being loved
\nby others who love us just because … No one said that they had to
\nlove us. They just loved us.<\/p>\n
No one has to put up with being abused. That isn’t in question as
\nfar as I’m concerned. No one has to do that. No one has to spend time
\nwith an abuser. Yet there are those who decide that a parent or other
\nrelative or potential friend is below their radar in terms of
\nliking\/disliking\/loving for unknown reasons. A parent who loved them. A
\nparent whose only crime was in somehow having irritated them one day.
\nThen that parent is discounted as though they never had lived, never
\nhad loved their children, never had done anything worthwhile. Or maybe
\nit is a parent who has done this to a child as Mark Sichel’s (Mark is
\nthe author of Healing from Family Rifts) father seems to have done.
\nJust discounted him for no reason that most people could understand. <\/p>\n
I can imagine such a parent or such a child sitting at a table
\nmaking no eye contact with the other person, just waiting for the
\nminutes to go by so that they can get away, get away from the reviled
\nrelative. They have lost the ability to appreciate that person. They
\nhave lost the ability to love that person. They no longer love. They
\ndiscount the person as worthy of their time, attention, and energy.
\nThey make the decision to spend time with others and ignore the person
\nwho wanted to be part of their life. They make a mistake but they are
\nadults and have a right to their mistakes.<\/p>\n
What is the point of what I have written today? I don’t know if I
\nhave made the point yet but this is what I wanted to say: I want you to
\npay attention to the people who you do see regularly in your life. I
\nwant you to pay attention when you start to ignore someone. I want you
\nto listen to people and to ask them about themselves. I want you to
\nlook at them and make eye contact. I want you to ask people about
\nthemselves who you wouldn’t normally ask. <\/p>\n
I want you to find someone to appreciate who you had no idea that
\nyou would appreciate. I want you to be able to grow. I want you to find
\nout if you are among those of us who can grow and to applaud yourself
\nfor your being able to grow. If you are already a person who finds the
\nentire world fascinating and can find something to appreciate in most
\npeople whom you meet, I applaud you for being who you are. I am sure
\nthat I would enjoy spending time with you.<\/p>\n
Not everyone is able to grow. I don’t know whether to feel sorry for
\nthose who can’t grow or just to be happy that I am not one of them.
\nMaybe they have something to teach the rest of us even if it is only
\nhow not to be like them.<\/p>\n
Snicks<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In 1988 I attended a one week workshop for Adult Children of Alcoholics. During that workshop I learned something about myself. I learned much more than this one thing but there was this one something that I am remembering today. I learned that I had some preconceived notions about older women, meaning women who were…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,69],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-305","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-for-parents","category-weblogs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/305","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=305"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/305\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=305"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=305"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/estrangements.com\/theblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=305"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}