A mother in pain over not having had any contact with her recently estranged son joined an online support group. She talked about her feelings and how grateful she was to find the group and how rare it is for a grown child to estrange themselves from their parents. I tried to say that I thought that the situation wasn't rare but she would have none of that. She insisted that it was rare. As I thought about it more, I realized that she is right. Relatively speaking, it is rare. Not unheard of certainly but if you ask one hundred parents with grown kids if this has happened to them, you will find few, if any, who will say yes. Not that I have tried this. I haven't.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
After thinking and talking about family estrangements for fourteen
\nyears, I realize that my perception of it not being rare is influenced
\nby the fact that I have sought out others who are going through similar
\nexperiences. I look for stories about family estrangement regularly. I
\nread about it. I write about it. To me it doesn’t seem rare. But in
\nterms of what MOST people experience, it is uncommon, possibly rare. I
\ndon’t know what the statistics on it are. I’ve never heard of a study
\non it and I don’t know how a good scientific study could be done where
\nthere would be accurate results. But I concede to the opinion of that
\nnewly estranged parent that it is rare. Most people do not experience
\nthis.<\/p>\n
\nSo when estranged parents or grown children want to talk about what
\nthey are going through, their resources are limited. Discussion groups
\ndon’t get set up often for conditions that occur to a only a few and
\nwhich people are often unwilling to talk about and which most people,
\nincluding many therapists, have not experienced and have a hard time
\nunderstanding.<\/p>\n
\nPeople can go to therapists and talk one on one but the therapist’s
\ntraining and experience might not have equipped them to be much help,
\nespecially over the long haul of a long term estrangement. A therapist
\nmight try to help someone accept the situation but acceptance usually
\ncomes much later in estrangement. People often want to talk about many
\nother things such as the many intense feelings that come up and may go
\non for years\u00a0 before they get to the stage of acceptance. Few
\ntherapists are trained in how to help them through that whole process.<\/p>\n
\nIf there is a specific issue involved in the circumstances of the
\nestrangement, there are support groups on those issues that meet in
\nmany communities across the country. Groups such as Al anon<\/a> which is a
\ngreat twelve step group for anyone who has been in a relationship with
\na person who has had a drinking problem. Organizations such as NAMI,
\nthe National Alliance on Mental Illness,<\/a> which has national, state and
\nlocal resources for members.<\/p>\n